The Mad Crave and Chase for ‘Love’

As a child I was always fond of watching cartoons like Snow White and Cinderella which were indeed perfect examples of stories with a happy ending. (The ‘happy ever after’ ending-if you see what I mean). These stories would always make me dream of one day having a charming prince who would come in a white horse and there would be love songs playing in the background like it is the case in Bollywood movies generally.

However, as I grew up I realized that I had much to learn about ‘love’ and about the various intricacies people attached to it. Everybody has this mad crave for ‘love’- a concept which they know not of what it means but they are indeed in the process of imitating what they perceive as ‘love’- that kind of desperate ‘love’ or the rosy portrayal of the notion of love that they watch in movies or even read in books. Every ‘heart’ is in this crazy and frantic hunt of ‘love’ at one point or the other.

Well, when we are kids, we hang on to sweet and innocent ‘puppy’ love. When we enter the age of puberty, we happen to fall for the older boy/girl next door. When we are adolescents in the maddening brawl of identity crises, we write “Shakespearean” type of love letters to the “custodians of our hearts.” As we grow older we stalk our love interests on social networking sites and then we even tend to attend parties, in search for the “love of our lives”. (Bullshit but true enough!) And funnily, when we are old enough some of us still chase the ones that are already taken.

We all keep trying. Some get their “true love” and others try a little too hard and all they might ever get is some kind of “unrequited love”. Some feel discouraged with one person and throw their ‘fishing rod’ upon the nest because they believe that there are many ‘fishes’ in the sea. Others are determined and they are not going to put off their try, only with the aim to win the heart of their perfect ones. Fair enough, the search continues like an ever-moving wheel.

Long ago, during the primitive times, men and women were hunter-gatherers in search for food, water and shelter, I mean their basic needs, to be able to survive. Nowadays, men and women are hunters, preying on each other’s attention and praying to win hearts. It can never get any easier especially when ‘love’ is so intricate and uncertain. The person you don’t want in your life, wants you while the person you want, doesn’t want you. And the simple advice that you get from people around when you are depressed is “MOVE ON” because “Time waits for none and life goes on.” Easier said than done because the heart wants what the heart wants.

In the war of the hearts, there are also the unending break ups- broken hearted beings. Where do broken hearts go? Some go on a rebound rampage having random sex with random people. The rage of a jilted lover is never one to be underestimated. Lovers have been known to turn into pure evil in their desperation. They turn violent, drunkard (the Devdas type), and even go to rape or sexually abuse of people because they have a ‘lack’. Some just go on to BUY ‘love’. Yes, they buy it on the streets, in  brothels, in hotel rooms and the list is never-ending.

At the end of the day, people seek “love”, find “love” and lose “love”. It is like a vicious cycle. They have never understood and will never understand what “love” means because the media have mould their definition of what “love” is. I wish people could understand that love is  unstructured; it is a state of your being, not a relationship. There are loving people and there are unloving people. Unloving people pretend to be loving through the relationships. Loving people need not have any relationship – love is enough. Relationship may be just a kind of security – financial or something else. The relationship is needed only because love is not there. Relationship is a substitute.

As Osho says: “Be a loving person rather than be in a love relationship – because relationships happen one day and disappear another day. They are flowers; in the morning they bloom, by the evening they are gone.”

I only wish people could be loving in this madding crowd!

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Dedicated to You Love of My Life…

Dear (XXX) (To My Special One),

 The idea of waiting one moment more to talk to you was too much for me to handle. So here I am writing to you in the hope that you will read this. At least, I can feel like I’m talking to you even though I can’t hear your voice responding and encouraging me. It’s selfish, really. But all I can think about is that I want to share this lifetime in your company. You have been a part of my life for many days and months and years now, and besides a few attempts to convince myself you were not right for me; we both know we were meant to be together maybe. Many times we have fought; we got mad at each other like hell, on several instances. I could never do without you though, I admit. Even though I feel like strangling you, you remain so exciting and you make my adrenaline surge.

When I look at you, I wish I had those guts to tell you that, I love your company even through the ups and downs I went through, even if there were moments I wish I could assassinate you and the stupid girl that I am, I still have that soft spot for you.  I wish I could tell you that I miss you, I miss our little ‘fights’ and I miss myself all the way through. I miss your messages, I miss the chemistry between us, and I miss YOU also. I wish you knew that YOU mean a lot to me.

Even though I am never in a position to tell you this, but I know that when I need you, I can always summon you in my imagination. I know that memories of you and the time we have shared, our friendship, will not fade. You will always be the most handsome Man for me after my grandfather. It feels bizarre to say but my way of showing affection is weird too. I know I stand out from the rest of girls. I know I act like a spoilt kid at times but I sincerely hope that you will forgive me for my awful attitude towards you.

I have never asked for anything, and all I want is that you accept me the way I am as your friend. I wish to tell you that I do not want anything like lovers ask. I do not ask you to surprise me every Valentine’s Day, and birthday with flowers, chocolates, or cakes. I do not expect gifts from you. I will be very happy when you play instruments or sing or draw or write verses and prose, make handmade crafts, or paint for me, anything really. I wish I could tell you that you really make me laugh all the time and you make me feel comfortable even though I feel hurt when you kept ignoring me during several instances. I laugh stupidly when your jokes cross my mind. I don’t talk a lot all the time but still I love listening to you talking even if it’s no serious conversations with you.

From the little I know you, I know when I have bad days, you did understand me and gave me my space even though you never showed that care. I wish you knew the great amount of respect that I have for you. I apologize for not saying “I love you” a lot or “I miss you” even if I really do because I fear of I don’t know what, and my ego prevents me from saying so many times, now. You make me fall head over heels in love with you every single day. 

I am not expressive but I truly know that I always appreciate you even though I don’t say it any more.

Yours,
Nikéta.

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To you, past lover.

Dear past lover,

I have never denied my mistake in how we fell apart. I will not pretend that I did not care when you left.  In fact, I have missed you every single day since you have gone even though you did things which should not be done. However, I am done carrying the heavy burden of pain and blame. The past few years have been some of the best but also worst years I have ever experienced, and they sure have been an eye-opening process. So much so, that I feel like I should be thanking you for having been part of my life.

You said that I broke your heart, stomped on it, crushed it, ripped it up, threw it away and then when all that were done, you still came back to make sure that I was completely and undeniably broken by adopting your violent and ugly ways. You went out of your way to burn every bridges we had built when we were together. You broke all of my friendships that I had made in the past years all in an effort to make sure that you came out on top and that you were not going to be considered “the bad guy”. I will not sit here and compete with you, trying to prove which one of us is more right, trying to convince you that your feelings and perceptions about how we fell apart are wrong. I will not try to save face and spend endless time and energy to defend myself against your unwarranted persecution.

In the beginning, all I wanted was for you to “come to your senses” and to realize that you made a mistake. But now, all I want is to never have to speak to you again. You are not the man I once thought you were, and I have nothing left to say to you except for this: I am not angry; I am no longer sad; I am just liberated.

No longer in love,

Niketa.

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Living life – in the ‘Osho way’

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Looking at that desiccated red gerbera flower which strongly scented of an overwhelming nostalgia, I could not help but sit idle for some hours more and enjoy my aloneness and live again the moments I spent at the Osho Meditation Camp some months ago. Such kind of frequent introspection makes me feel closer to my inner self and in this moment of nothingness, the bond which my mind and self share, is strengthened. In this muddled society where we live, we have always been taught to equate inaction as being lazy and many people have difficulty ‘doing nothing’.  However, it is in the stillness of the body and the mind that the answers to our numerous questions come. In fact, for some questions, even though you have the answers, they cannot be put down into words. It feels really awkward to keep a ‘dumb’ silence and yet put on a sweet smile at the same time when my friends and relatives ask me about Osho meditation experiences or about who is Osho in the first place.

While I try on to explain to people around that Osho was/is an enlightened being, a guru, a Master and yet he is/was none of these and that his essence is still alive, seem puzzling to them and to me as well. I wish I could say that Osho is the one who maddened my mind at smothered my ego and made me realize that I want nothing in life but just to breathe and feel the splendour of each breath. I believe that what you experience cannot be put down into words and if you write it, it automatically becomes a lie as you go on searching for flowery expressions to convey your feelings and experiences to make it appealing to the readers.

Our world is stressful, our people are strung-out and busy, with quite a bit of emphatic value on “doing,” and as a consequence, our “selves” are getting lost in translation. All the stress makes us feel bogged down and the solution is that of meditation. Nevertheless, in this fast-moving world, no one has time to listen to lengthy explanations or discourses. Sometimes I wish I could say that Osho has given us the possibility to find out the truth for ourselves, which is something that cannot be conveyed but can only be felt or experienced.

As for myself, at the very start itself, I could not understand, like many of my friends, what Osho and Osho meditation techniques were all about. I read frequently on Osho and watched many videos about him in the quest of getting answers about issues disturbing me, like suicide, love, relationships and sex amongst others. There were times I could relate to his writing on several issues; there were even times I would feel like a water balloon being exploded by the prick of his writings and there were even moments when I could not digest what I was reading or listening from the videos.  It is only during my last year’s Summer Meditation Camp that I began to partly understand who Osho is and what he wants to convey.

All I can say is that Osho Meditation techniques have increased my self-awareness and I now treat myself with love and respect which was not the case previously and I have undergone many positive changes which I do not wish to spell out but which definitely make me feel good about myself. Osho says:

“My finger can point to the moon, but my finger is not the moon. You don’t have to become my finger, nor do you have to worship my finger. You have to forget my finger, and look at where it is pointing.” – Osho, “The Rebel”

Thus, it only needs willingness to make a step towards what you really want and look within by meditating instead of tiring yourself out asking questions and finding answers from others. The path of meditation is indeed the easiest path to all answers but this path is one where fools fear to tread for people nowadays have become too much attached with things around them that they find it extremely hard to relate to meditation.

It is only after practising some techniques of Osho meditation that I have personally been able to release part of my past so as to allow good things in the present to manifest. I am still a flawed being like most of us;  I still cling to things I like, I still stick to  the one I have a crush on like a bug , despite the many advices of not to do so; I still feel jealous; angry and all the negative emotions do still create a turmoil to my being. However, I shall  say that I have been through many positive changes within myself and Osho Meditation has indeed generated a better version of who I am as a person.

On an ultimate note, as I was gently asked by my friend Mantish to write something about Osho and his contributions to my life, I can only seize this opportunity to express my heartfelt gratitude to my friend because it is thanks to him that I have been able to start this process of discovering myself and rejoicing life. Also, as Osho’s physical journey ended a year before I came on this earth, I will just say: “Thank you Osho for leading this undirected wandering soul of mine towards a proper sense of direction.”

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