It’s been days I have been missing the real you and some days ago, I decided to search for you. With apprehension, I tried reaching for you every night but my vigilant self noticed the silence between us. I tried hard to talk to you but you always seemed to be so lost, it’s been a month now, so lost in a world of nothingness. I tried to convince myself that I will bring you back to where you once belonged but I have been unsuccessful still. Do you know how many times I went over the script, searching for the right words to utter, seeking understanding, seeking proof of love, seeking a solution to bring back that cheerful girl I used to know?
I kept on telling to Preet that I will bring back that little girl that desperately needed some kind of attention, some kind of affection, someone to listen to her. I kept on telling her so many times, that now, the determination of bringing you back has submerged into my very being, into my heart and soul. I need you and I know you need me too Niks. I long and ache for you. Yesterday night, I sat in a corner watching you from afar because I couldn’t reach you and you wouldn’t let me be next to you at that very moment. All you wanted I know, was a hug, a motherly hug, or a friendly hug.
I am living for that moment where I would find you, and you would wrap your hands around my body and hold me tight and tell me, “I love you.” Yes, I am living for that moment and despite all of the bad things that I have experienced in my life, and despite how harshly I have been beaten down and despite how I had lost hope for everything else, I still believed in you. I believed in you, Niks. As a young woman, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a past lover, we have both sensed the binding connection to a loved one, mourning, feelings of loss. Once someone belonged with us. Once we woke up knowing that someone was there for us. Once we were a being filled with hopes and promises. Once we shared dreams and made plans. Life happens, people fall out of love, into the arms of others. Lives change, tears fall, and hearts break. There is much I see now, that I could not see then, a wisdom one can only acquire through the passage of time and the unrelenting pain of deep heart aches. I ask only that you find compassion, that we find compassion. I ask for acceptance within your circle.
In my head, you are no monster. You are beautiful. You are pure. I pitied you; I felt so sorry for all of the pains that must be inside of you, to make you act in the ways that you are doing. Oh how I built you up so very high. If you would have just given me a chance, a moment of your time, you would have been in awe of the young woman I made you out to be. And you would have loved HER. You are so very beautiful to me, Niks. Time has come that you stop yearning for that gregariousness and be with me (with yourself).
I do not blame you for abandoning me. I do not blame you for forgetting about me. I do not blame you for disappearing all of a sudden. I do not blame you for me crying myself to sleep every single night since a month. I do not blame you for me deciding that, after that break up, I was going to be forever unlovable. I do not blame you for choosing sleeping pills every night, over human beings. I do not blame you for not having that sincere one man in life even though this heart has been broken twice. I do not blame you for anything, Niks.
But right now, as I type this Niks, I am going to blame you. I blame you for closing that door. I blame you for knowing that you are dying inside. I blame you for being fragile and yearning for someone to just listen to you. I wonder when you’ll realize that I am here to listen to you. It is a daily battle for me to believe that it is not my fault. You do not lack anything; that merry little girl is good enough and she deserves someone to love her. But that do not mean that you have to yearn for someone to listen to you even if you know that Mom and Dad are busy in their world, the brothers are busy, the true friends do not exist yet. So, keep yourself busy too and accept me within you and be my best friend.
There is still time so that “we” change “our” story’s ending. There is still time that we revisit our last conversation, begin a new chapter, accepting that, happiness comes from within. Niketa believes in you Niks. I hope you let go of the things that do not matter any more because you do not need the extra weight holding you down.