I choose to love you in silence for in silence I find no rejection. Mixed feelings inside my mind and heart torment me and I could feel that pang. I realized that it was really high time to make myself strong in spite of the insecurities and to move on. Perhaps I was and I am still clinging on someone whom I know, shall never be mine. I have decided that now is the time to avoid being needy, whiny, clingy, jealous and desperate. Enough of these!
I still feel that sense of jealousy when that girl clings too much with my crush, may be because she shares the same astrological features or just because she has that same level of intelligence as his, that make these two so compatible. My heart cries out, I feel pity for myself, I feel angry and I feel jealous. Why only her and never me??? There are tons of questions I always ask him concerning her. There are nights I cry just because of having looked at a photo of theirs together, or simply because I knew they hung out together after classes or even because for him it’s always about HER! I realized perhaps I don’t give him his space or perhaps he doesn’t like me and he cannot tell me so just as not to hurt me, but sometimes it is good to feel that pain that comes with the bitter truth. I wish he knew how badly it hurts when he says in a joking manner that she is his girlfriend and how I die a thousand deaths deep inside. May be they will find me lamenting too much. But , I cannot pretend to be fake, but surely I shall pretend to be fake as from now on, pretend not to feel anything for him any more, when I know for myself that he is way too important for me.
A friend once told me that I show off too much of my love for him and whether I love him truly is often a topic that has been much questioned by my classmates. Some would even feel that I am clinging too much around a magnet that surprisingly do not attract but only repel or far beyond some would say that I have put on a blindfold and I am dreaming of a heavenly union or relationship. How on earth do I go and make people understand that all I feel for him is true even if I had two ex-boyfriends? Bizarrely even my ex-boyfriends knew that I feel only true love for HIM. I know I love him selflessly, I have never asked him to be in a relationship with me nor would I ask. I have never expected him to reciprocate for I don’t wish to spoil this friendship in any case. As I type these feelings here, tears rolled down my cheeks. My hands tremble. There are some feelings that will remain unexpressed; there are some things that I shall never be able to tell him. I wish only that he knew that I would never want to lose him as a friend. He has been the only guy I can never ever get over. It’s true that human being cannot stick to one thing or one person all the time. It’s true that people embrace infidelity because they got too used to the same person, the same body, the same old routine. But I truly know even though he gets me on my nerves so many times, I could never be fed up with him. NEVER!
I realized jealousy is something wrong and though I still feel it, I have to move on and act indifferently so that people around do not perceive me as an obsessed being. If I choose to live in society, this would be the minimum required from me in order to be accepted in my circle of friends, in my surroundings. It’s a sad and selfish reality that we live in. I used to believe that I know too much about love, but that’s not the case. Misunderstandings in love create jealousy and it took me a while to be able to grasp this notion and understand truly about the negative energies that I am letting out. By love, I would always think of a certain kind of monopoly, some possessiveness and without understanding a simple fact of life: that the moment you possess a living being you have killed him.
Life cannot be possessed and one cannot have it in one’s fist. If you want to have it, leave it, if it comes back it’s good, if it doesn’t move on. Tough to put into practice but better for one’s own good. However, it has become ingrained in us so much that we cannot separate love from jealousy. For instance if my crush cling to some other woman, I feel disturbed. Love and jealousy get mixed up. I realized that a mind that is jealous cannot be loving and vice versa. I realized that I have felt much crippled and I was leading a life of agony. Out of this agony arose jealousy which is definitely the anger of the weak – one who cannot do anything but is boiling within, who would like to burn the whole world but cannot do anything except cry and scream.
Sometimes I think that no woman is made for a man and no man is made for any woman. Living with different people is an absolutely necessary education for a right life as far as love is concerned. I believe one should not be in a hurry to decide whatsoever decisions concerning life. Friendship is far much beyond any relationship. It simply needs a little understanding. A little understanding and giving the one you love; his space will surely get you back or get me back on the right track. Each person needs his or her own space and that we should not interfere in that space. I just want to be respectful and not trespass that space. I choose to be myself and I choose to preserve my own individuality.
The basic requirement is: the other has to be given absolute freedom to be himself. If he is happy, I should feel good and participate in his happiness. If I cannot, I can only leave him alone. If he is sad, I shall participate in his sadness and if I cannot participate, I shall leave him alone. I prefer not to drag him according to me and leave him to himself. I believe then maybe gradually, a great respect will arise between us and that respect will become the foundation of the temple of love. I choose to love him selflessly even if it might hurt or some negative feelings might emerge.